This is a joke, but not entirely:

Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator.

Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat.

Put a real estate agent’s ‘Open House’ sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: “mild discomfort.”

Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

Remove all actual food from the house.